Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
