Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
