got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
