new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
