Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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