Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
