I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just high enough for therapy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
