Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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