Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
