We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
