I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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