good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
