i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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