Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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