I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
