I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
