Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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