when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
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what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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