the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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