dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
