just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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