Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
