Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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