wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
