Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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