Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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