So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm just crazy horny about you
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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