We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
