It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
