I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Green mimosas i think yes
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
