my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
