He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
