I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
