Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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