Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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