You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
