i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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