i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You need Xanax blowdarts
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
