Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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