I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
