I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
