does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
