Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
