on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
