Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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