I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
