it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
