dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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