I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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