my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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