These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
