I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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