Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
