when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
