Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
