omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
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You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
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I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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