i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
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dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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