Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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